Parenting differences are one of the top reasons for divorce in this country. So, what’s the best way to handle these types of situations? How do you avoid fighting in front of your kids? What do you do when the conversation gets too “heated”? And is there any truth to the statement “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t no one happy”?
“Co-Parenting: When Parents Disagree”
Episode 21, September 19th, 2012
Please be advised, this transcription was performed from a company independent of New Mommy Media, LLC. As such, translation was required which may alter the accuracy of the transcription.
Rachel Rainbolt: Parenting differences are one of the top reasons for divorce in this country. A lot of our parenting choices are based on the choices of our parents which we either seek to emulate or avoid. How do you merge your upbringings? What do you do when you disagree with your partner when it comes to your child? I am Rachel Rainbolt, mother, author and parent educator and this is Parent Savers, episode 21.
K.C. Wilt: Welcome to Parent Savers, broadcasting from the Birth Education Centre of San Diego. I am your host, K.C. Wilt. Our apps are now available In the Amazon Android Market and iTunes apps store. It’s another way to get great parenting information. Also, subscribe to our Parent Savers newsletter featuring exclusive behind the scene content from our shows, special giveaways, discount and more. Visit our website http://www.ParentSavers.com for more info. We want you to be a part of the show, so join our discussion on our episode page, Facebook page and call in or e-mail us with your questions and we’ll get them answered. I am a new parent. My son Carson is 21 months old and I am joined by four new parents here in the studio.
Owen Hemsath: Hi my name is Owen. I am the video marketing and web designer in Ocean side. I have three kids. Kanan is 5 years old, just started Kinder garden, Jameson is 14 months old and Benjamin is 4 weeks old. Full house!
Benjamin Martin: Awesome, my name is Benjamin, I am 26. I run a business in Ocean side. We do graphics, engraving and wood work. I have one 2 month old baby girl.
Collin Rand: Hi my name is Collin Rand. I am 32 years old. I also own a business throughout South California doing entertainment. And I have two wonderful boys. Lucas is 5 and Jackson is 2.
Jodi Roberts: I am Jodi Roberts and I have a 19 month old and I am high school teacher.
[Featured Segment: Protecting Your Children]
K.C. Wilt: Before we start todays show, here are some tips for protecting your kids online.
Damian Jackson: Hey Parent Savers, this is detective Damian Jackson with the Escondido Police Dept. family protection unit and the internet crimes against children task force here in San Diego, California. As part of the Escondido police dept. on-going series of community outreach education to help families enhance their personal safety, I am here today to talk to you about Facebook Security Settings. In today’s technology driven world, it’s never been easier to stay connected with friends and family across the globe. On the flip side of that same technology it’s never been easier to be victimized by strangers that wish to do you and your family harm. The good news is that with little bit of pro-active effort on your part, you can easily prevent your family from being in the next target. Like most people, I have got a Facebook account too to share news and events from friends and family over a common network. Well, just last night and I was reading some comments on a friends posting and came across a person I don’t know and have never met in my entire life, that because of his Facebook settings provided me with almost every details of his life including each person’s name and his family, his wife, his children, where he works, pictures of his children, his wife, his home, his car and his personal stance on just about every issue under the sun. The point of this is he has no clue who I am either. But I now know more about him and less than a minute then it would take one of his friends or co-workers, several months or more to get. That my friends is extremely dangerous. Look it at this way, would you pulls all the same information on the sides and back of your car and then go out and drive around all over the place on a daily basis with your personal and family information out in the open for all to see? Of course you wouldn’t. So, why would you put on Facebook for anybody else to see? There are lots of resources and easy tutorials available online to walk you through filtering your settings. Take those few minutes to secure your information, protect your family and enjoy Facebook as it was meant to be between you and those who know you and trust. For more information on how you can keep your family safe, visit us on Facebook or Twitter Escondidopolice.com. With the Escondido Police Dept. and San Diego Internet Crime against Children Task Force, I am detective Damian Jackson, reminding you and your family to be smart and be safe.
K.C. Wilt: Today, on Parent Savers we have Rachel Rainbolt, parent educator, here to help us learn how to cope parent when we have parental disagreements and how to raise our children. So, Rachel let’s start from the beginning. Does your child even realize when mommy and daddy are on the same page?
Rachel Rainbolt: [Laughs] Yes! I mean deceitful answer is yes, of course. Parents sometimes disagree and that’s fine. We don’t want you to be all tom and tans pretending like everything is fine all the time coz kids picks up on when it’s not. You are actually modeling healthy conflict resolution when you disagree, so it’s totally fine to disagree. You just want to do it respectfully.
K.C. Wilt: So, how does it affect them when mommy and daddy do disagree?
Rachel Rainbolt: Well, you can be a great role model. You’re really building that architect inside of them, how healthily they will interact with you, how they’ll interact friends, how they’ll resolve conflicts with their own partners one day and how they expect to be treated from others. So, really when you disagree it’s an opportunity to teach your parenting lessons of, coz they’re gonna disagree with people as they grow up. It’s just about teaching them how to resolve that disagreement.
Jodi Roberts: You don’t wanna to punch them in the face coz that’s what it might make them to escape. [Laughs][Cross Talks]
K.C. Wilt: Yeah, right [Laughs]
Benjamin Martin: It’s like an arm wrestle. [Laughs]
K.C. Wilt: Well, it’s a playground tactics right? [Laughs]
Rachel Rainbolt: Well, kids can pick up on you so well if they sense you guys kind of forging yourself on the opposite sides of the battle line. You know, kids pick on that so well and then you’ll also see when your kids are picking on that they will try take a side, lot of the times if you notice your kids trying to do that it is because…
Owen Hemsath: It’s the mom side. [Laughs]
K.C. Wilt: See you don’t want to separate in the house on this your side and this is my side, so don’t cross my line? [Laughs]
Rachel Rainbolt: No not a good plan. [Laughs]
Owen Hemsath: You know, my wife and I we try to, you know, “no dear! We are gonna have peas and carrots tonight.” You know, we try to hide it because when we can and, you know, sometimes it’s like we just got to have it out like, we had a road trip and we came back home from Utah and its…
K.C. Wilt: We all know the car is the best place to fight [Laughs].
Owen Hemsath: Oh my gosh! [Laughs] And there is no escape plan.
K.C. Wilt: Yeah, and there is no escape plan [Laughs].
Owen Hemsath: You know, Kanan fell asleep and that’s like, you know, I look back and I am like, “okay! You were defending him constantly da da dadaaaa da...” [Laughs] but I did, you know, we tried to….. I agree and I like what you say about they modeling conflict resolution but, there are also times when I know that we are not gonna have this, we are not; this is not gonna be resolved right now. And so we tend to send him out of the room for that because a little argument is okay, but the deeper arguments we are gonna leave for this. We don’t want him for this, we don’t want him to be fearful, you know, of our marriage. So, what are your thoughts on that?
Rachel Rainbolt: I think that’s sounds good. I mean, a lot of times our kids being around kind of keeps us in check because we’re forced to conduct ourselves in a mature respectful way by saying, “oh! You want peas and carrots tonight. I was really in the mood for broccoli, you know, what should we do? How should we resolve it? But, when you have those really knock down drag out fights of course, it’s best to do it after they go to bed.
Owen Hemsath: Right.
Rachel Rainbolt: You know, kind of set yourself up some time apart from them you can get really far by kind of having a pause button. Sometimes parents make like words where like the safe word where if they say the word it means like I am losing my temper and I can’t resolve this appropriately right now in front of the kids, so pause it and we’ll come back to it later.
K.C. Wilt: So maybe having that coz I am….. my husband and I don’t know how to do that. Walk away know it [Laughs] not right now.
Rachel Rainbolt: Well, coz if you feel like if you let it go then you lose, like somehow…
K.C. Wilt: Yeah!
Rachel Rainbolt: You give up some of your power in the situation.
K.C. Wilt: Maybe.
Rachel Rainbolt: So you kind of need to have a set-up ahead of time if you find yourself getting there a lot of the time to have like a safe word that means like ‘I am not agreeing with you’ [Laughs]
K.C Wilt: I touched my nose. Denise, I am touching my nose. [Laughs]
Owen Hemsath: Hairy Winkle! Hairy Winkle! [Laughs].
Rachel Rainbolt: I said Beary Winkle [In a Frustrated tone] [Audience Laughs]
Owen Hemsath: You don’t listen to me, you know, so I am sure there is thousand different ways that disagreements can arise on a simple things about what’s for dinner, you know, the color the curtain should’ve been and things like that. But are there more core issues to how disagreements arise and I mean is it a really that big of a deal, you know, that your disagreeing?
Rachel Rainbolt: Well, disagreements arise because parents come to the table with a whole lot of baggage. When everybody has their own baggage, everybody comes to the table being raised different ways by their parents, by seeing people parent different ways around them, and so everybody kind of comes with their own script and getting those to function harmoniously is really the trick. But it is essential. You don’t have to agree on everything but you do have to get on the same page so that they function harmoniously together.
Benjamin Martin: Interesting, what about authority and like a discussion/ argument something along those lines is want a person like typically have the authority or shouldn’t have?
K.C. Wilt: Who wears the pants? [Laughs]
Benjamin Martin: Right now, should they? [Laughs]
Rachel Rainbolt: Well, one person having a dominating authority is never ideal. In any relation we tend to have different strings and so in a healthy co-parenting relationship the authority tends to fall to one person in different areas. So, for example, if daddy is an awesome chef like food decisions might tend to fall to him, so he might get the tie breaking vote for meal time, he’s the one that’s doing the cooking; things like that. So, in my house since this is what I do I probably get more of the levy when it comes to the tough parenting decisions or is my husband like get more in other areas like finances or something else.
Owen Hemsath: Yeah, we is, my wife and I certainly have I don’t know boundaries or specialties or skills that, you know what I mean. I tend to believe, we are not, we don’t punish our kids we discipline our kids. We punish to teach our kids, so when we see wrong behavior we correct that behavior, we try not to re-enforce negatively bad behavior. You know what I mean? So she’s a big softie, you know, she doesn’t recognize dis-obedience and misbehavior.
K.C. Wilt: Good cop and bad cop.
Owen Hemsath: Yeah and it’s…
K.C. Wilt: Yeah, that’s where we have problems with. [Laughs]
Owen Hemsath: Yeah and it is seen, coz it presents the dis united front. I think where mommy doesn’t think that was wrong and daddy does type of situations so we certainly have boundaries and your saying that it’s a good thing or it’s an okay thing?
Rachel Rainbolt: It’s an okay thing to disagree as long as you’re, you agree enough at the point where you can function harmoniously together. For example, if you come to that point where your saying she’s a softie, she wants to let too much slide and I am, you know, the firmer parent. I don’t want let that slide, if that’s okay as long as it is working. If you get to the point where it’s not then it’s a problem that you have to have a deeper conversation with.
Owen Hemsath: What about concerns like that I have coz that’s kind of like our, it’s our agreement and, you know, when it comes to health options, you know, and healthy eating. She spends time reading the blogs and pinterest and what not and finding healthier food option and that’s just an example but I also don’t want to be the punisher, the discipliner you know what I mean, where daddy’s home coz I was kind of was ‘Sorry Dad’ but that’s kind of how it was [Laughs], you know, at when I grew up is that when dad comes home and gets out the belt you know what I mean, and so we almost dreaded our dad coming home.
Rachel Rainbolt: Well, there’s something called Over Functioning and Under Functioning which its first to get…… to get that place you have to understand that nobody is…… there’s not one person that’s right and one person that’s wrong. It’s really about doing what’s best for that child in that situation and that might vary from child to child and situation to situations. So going in to it knowing that there is not one person who is right and one person who is wrong, and then being mindful of that over functioning, under functioning system that’s kind of what you’re getting at…
Owen Hemsath: Yeah, I think so.
Rachel Rainbolt:…where if one person is always the disciplinarian then the other person will discipline less and it just kind of stays off kilter. For the other person to step up and discipline more, the other person kind of has to back off.
Owen Hemsath: Conversely my wife, I should make dinner more often, no I really should because, you know, I don’t care about the dishes the dish can sit there and all like, you know, maybe pay a high school kid to come in and take care of it [Laughs], you know. Eventually but my wife can’t stand it and so the dishes pile up and she’s making dinner and that’s the weakness that I see in my own models like you know what, I maybe over disciplining she under disciplining but I am under doing the dishes and under helping on household [Laughs].
K.C. Wilt: You know, ironically in the first June my husband and I got married before kids, the biggest argument was the “Dishes”.
Owen Hemsath: Really?
K.C. Wilt: It’s stupid and it would always end up with like ‘I don’t wanna be married to you anymore” [Laughs] and it just started with the dishes. It was so stupid and so ironically probably about a year or two or year three in our marriage my husband learned that if he did the dishes he had a happy wife. And so all of sudden he just took care of the dishes and really that argument and all that anger and all that other stuff that I kind of rolled; is gone. And now with the kid coming in the picture it helps out, helps me out tremendously that he is just taking a lot rains and just done the dishes, and then…
Rachel Rainbolt: Well, coz its about lot more than just dishes, it’s about this is something that’s important to me and it’s something that’s not fun for you to do when you don’t want to do it; or are you willing to do it just because it makes me happy and it make my life easier.
Owen Hemsath: Right, because I detest this cultural happy wife, happy life thing, you know, [Laughs] like, “pick the house bin, make your wife happy.” [Laughs] It’s a mutual thing and so I do things not to that my wife is not mad at me, I do things to please my wife, you know.
K.C. Wilt: That’s a good… men you’re listening…
Owen Hemsath: Let’s put that in to a t-shirt [Laughs]
K.C. Wilt: I know that’s a good perspective on it [Laughs], it’s not about how what do I have to get away with its what…
Owen Hemsath: Yeah.
Rachel Rainbolt: And a lot of that has to do with how you were raised..
K.C. Wilt: Going back to your talking about…
Rachel Rainbolt: You’re talking about your always afraid of your dad being disciplinary so now in your marriage, you don’t want to be afraid of your wife being displeased with you and showing disapproval like, you wanna do things because you love her and you like to make her feel good and you like to feel like nurturing your relationship and a lot of that baggage that we come to the table with, comes to how we were parented.
Benjamin Martin: So I hear a lot of the Why’s and what is involved in the co-parenting part but so more of a detail like how do we set those expectations and how do we reconcile a difference or in a difference of opinion you know this is the way I wanna do it; no this is the way I wanna do it. How do we come to that agreement and the expectation set so that when we do come out in to the playing field, the kids don’t see that there is any opposition to this?
Owen Hemsath: That’s a good question.
Rachel Rainbolt: A type of conversation in which you go deeper than, this is my side and that’s yours. You have to really look at the code lines beneath what’s on the surface so that you can honor each parent’s ultimate goal for their child. Well at the same time honoring where they came from, coz you can’t get anywhere if you don’t go beneath the surface and really look at why they are coming to the table with these issue, why is that important to them? For example I had a family that I was working with and the husband was dead sad that the baby could not sleep in their room. Baby slept better in their room, the mom slept better with the baby in their room.
Owen Hemsath: Right.
K.C. Wilt: That’s a big issue.
Rachel Rainbolt: The dad ended up sleeping better with the baby in their room, but he just was insistent that it was wrong, and so if you don’t really look at why you have that idea, why you feel that way then you can’t…. you’re kind of powerless to it. So it turns out after just asking some questions word to that come from, it came from an advertisement that he saw, when he was a teenager. He saw this ad for this perfectly decorated nursery with his baby sleeping in it and he got that in his head that was a good parent.
Owen Hemsath: Yeah.
Rachel Rainbolt: A good parent that has a baby in his beautifully decorated nursery that means you’re a good parent and you’re doing it right.
Owen Hemsath: And there’s a lot of these cultural mythologies that are thrust upon on us from a consumer based culture, that’s the you know whose what they are really doing is selling you a nursery and paint and a crib and these things and I think what you said we have to go deeper.
Rachel Rainbolt: Yeah.
Owen Hemsath: And ask ourselves why do I believe that, you know, Teresa and I have different goals for Kanan, her priority is that he becomes a well-educated and well-spoken young man. You know my goal for him is that he becomes a Ninja warrior.
Rachel Rainbolt: Yeah, appropriate! [Laughs]
Owen Hemsath: So, and that’s, you know so, we are right, so we have, you know, we have different goals for him, but there’s actually some seriousness behind that because I am focused on his physical abilities, you know, as well.
Rachel Rainbolt: He can be a well-educated Ninja warrior [Laughs]
Owen Hemsath: I think so.
Rachel Rainbolt: I don’t see that two as in-compatible [Laughs].
Owen Hemsath: I think yeah; I think what the new Bat-man movie taught us just you have to be both.
Rachel Rainbolt: Yeah! [Laughs] [Audience Laughs]
Owen Hemsath: To be effective against crime. [Laughs]
K.C. Wilt: Great! When we come back, we’ll talk about types of discussions your partner and you should have to help you get on the same page, plus what to do when you really just Bud-heads with your partner about something. We’ll be right back.
K.C. Wilt: We are back on Parent Savers with Rachel Rainbolt. She’s a parent educator, here to help us learn how to co-parent, when we disagree with our partners. So, how do you collaborate the different up- bringing’s or how do we determine like against the best up-bringing?
Rachel Rainbolt: Hmm…
Rachel Rainbolt: Well there is no best. So, that’s a great question, and I am so glad you used that term. There is no best, there is no right, there is no wrong. It’s really about what’s best for your child and your family with the information that you have right now. So, you really have to have that conversation like we talked about before but ask your partner questions like how were you parented? What did you like? What did you not like? What parenting messages have inspired you? What have you researched and decided to dismiss? All kinds of things like that because that won’t help you to determine what your strength are as a parent and what you kind of have to give and offer your child in terms of setting their goals and parenting to that end.
Owen Hemsath: So isn’t there, you kind of hole in there where you say look, “my husband was raised in a family, you know, torn apart by divorce.” Both parents were adultery, drugs and alcohol and, you know, wife raised mid class family, you know, church goers, you know, to say ones not better than the other, well, let’s take what your dad learnt from adultery and applied that’s for our marriage I mean can there really be better?
Rachel Rainbolt: Well and if somebody comes to the table with that kind of competition in mind, you’re not gonna get very far because experiences are really subjective. So, one parent could have been horribly abused in their childhood and one parent could have had their dad not show up for one soccer game and they are both completely traumatized and come to the table with a big box full of resentment.
Owen Hemsath: That’s a great point.
Rachel Rainbolt: To process and deal with and you have to kind of lay that out with your co-parent because whether you realize it or not or not those things do affect the way you parenting your kids. You might be furious at your spells because he chose to go to the work meeting instead of attending one baseball game where that might not seem like a big deal and you would just fight about it and fight about it if you understand that their dad didn’t show to one of the most important games and they cried about every night for a week.
Owen Hemsath: Right.
Rachel Rainbolt: It’s just respecting them and honoring that allows you to move forwards. So that person might say you’re right, you know, I am just upset because my dad didn’t show up for my soccer game [Laughs] but as long as you show them that you are committed to our child and to being there for them, missing a game every now and then is okay, but unless you really kind of call that out and take away its power then it will just kind of keeping smearing its ugly head.
Collin Rand: I have had the question, that I kind of wanna wanted to wait, and see where this is and I think it’s a good place to put it in.
Rachel Rainbolt: Bring it on.
Collin Rand: So, let’s establish I’ve had the roles and I would get more in to my situations specifically. My wife was raised by single mother; dad was not in the picture at all. I was raised with, in a family of four children and mom and dad were both there. And not to say that I don’t think that mine was necessarily the best situation to bring in to our parenting style and the tactics that we want to use, but in terms of her parenting it was one parent.
Collin Rand: And so, coming together as two parents now for her is completely for. She has no idea where a mutual agreement or coming to collaboration.
Rachel Rainbolt: She didn’t have that role model unlike factor.
Collin Rand: Exactly, it was she asked a question and the decision was made by her mother and that was it. There was no back and forth with dad coming up with a resolution, it was right away.
Collin Rand: So for me and for her sometimes especially with our first son, we found ourselves talking about well he had a question or there was something that we had to decide, well she was the decision maker because that’s all she knew. And instead of involving me and going wait a second I have an opinion on this, I would like to bring in my thoughts, it was no this, this is this is it. How do we resolve that as parents coz I love her to death and I want her to have her opinion but I also want to express mine especially when it’s coming to raising our children to be, you know, fantastic individuals eventually?
Rachel Rainbolt: Hmm, I think the starting point in your situation would really to get on the same page in terms of the conversation of you, you know, telling your wife you need to respect that I have a lot to bring to the table as far as parenting goes and kind of have conversation based around that so more asking questions like, do you think I have a lot to bring to the table, what do you think I have to bring to the table, what strengths do you see me having as other father for our child, what insights do you think I have that, what help us both to make better decisions together, you know, what situations have you found my advice or my opinion helpful? Things like that kind of take it from being negative like you’re not considering my opinion, you know kind of deep flips it on its heads so that you can’t build up instead of tear down, if that makes any sense.
Owen Hemsath: It’s more conversational less confrontational. [Laughs]
Rachel Rainbolt: Yes [Laughs].
K.C. Wilt: And I guess maybe having these conversations before the argument arise.
Owen Hemsath: Absolutely.
Rachel Rainbolt: Yes.
K.C. Wilt: Yeah, wear your roles coz I think maybe in your situation would be you know, you talk about this and if also when you put the I guess the light bulb in your wife’s head that no, you know, daddy would like to have a response on this. And when you put that in her head, that also when the situation arises she’ll remember that oh, in this case when it comes to…
Rachel Rainbolt: You don’t have this…
K.C. Wilt: doing same thing over again.
Rachel Rainbolt: You don’t have this conversation in the middle of the fight, so she’s wants to give you a cut, your child grilled cheese, and you want your kid to eat oatmeal, or what not. When she’s making the grilled cheeses not when you have this conversation, its after she’s served lunch, you have a quiet moment you say, you know, what lunch today I really thought that you’d benefit from having some oat meals, he has such and such to do today, I thought it would be a good meal for him to start the day with. And I noticed that you thought grilled cheese would be a better meal like lets have conversation about that, how could we do it differently in the future so that your considering what I have to say on this subject matter and things like that.
Collin Rand: So giving the dog the grilled cheese and being like I don’t know what happened, let’s just make some oatmeals, [Audience Laughs] not the good way to do it.
Owen Hemsath: Throwing it through the window [Audience Laughs]
Collin Rand: Oh, okay all right shut no offense. [Laughs]
Benjamin Martin: So what about in the middle of an argument, you know, what I mean my wife and I are complete nerds and pre-planners things like that like she’s a school teacher, I am a business manager. We pre-plan everything you know, everything in toy area, kids like in high school everything is planned out she’s two months old [Laughs]. So when she’s little bit older you know what I mean, like we are in the middle of the disagreement it’s gonna be devastating coz like I said, you know, we plan everything else. So, how do we parent effectively in a middle of disagreement, you know, what I mean like?
Rachel Rainbolt: Basically you don’t, I mean if you’re in the middle of a fight, like full blown fight you can’t parent effectively. You just you can’t, so something like a time-out which we are all familiar with giving to our children, is not only great for the situation for you and your spouse but again role models how to deal with it when you’re a kid. If you start to lose your temper and you’re angry you say you know what, I am too angry to get anywhere with this conversation I am gonna go take a walk I will be back and then we’ll discuss it.
Benjamin Martin: For sure.
Rachel Rainbolt: Something like that and then it teaches your kid the same thing. If they are so angry, they want to punch their brother in their face, you would go over there and you’d tell them right, I know you wanna turn but punching him isn’t getting get you that turn you have to have a conversation like that.
Owen Hemsath: You know, I know how I get in the middle of a, we don’t we are not yellers, we’re like stern talkers [Laughs] but that’s a big fight for us, you know what I mean, like, and I almost wanna set-up a fight just like in say I am going to take a time out [Laughs] yeash, you know where it’s not real because we get emotional involved. My wife and I are both very passionate, we’re artist both of us and so we both get very involved in our feelings and it’s hard to take a step back and get outside the situation and realize that my six years old is gonna be like this, you know, and so how do deal with that? I mean, how do you break yourself from that argument and get outside of it to have the where with all to take your time out?
Rachel Rainbolt: It’s definitely a learned skill. It is something that we have to practice and learn in something that affects us in all faceted of life. I mean, you wouldn’t…… if your boss was pissing you off you wouldn’t just grab something and throw it at them and start screaming. Right you have learnt…
Collin Rand: Never again [Laughs]
Rachel Rainbolt: when you [Laughs] you have learnt that when you’re in that setting that’s not appropriate so you taught yourself some skills to not to do that.
Collin Rand: Sure.
Rachel Rainbolt: And in our relationships before we have kids we don’t have to have those….those rules or those skills in place, those techniques count because there is no audience. But once the kids are there, then you have to sort of take those skills and those techniques that, most people already have them, coz you like I said you use them in another facet of your life. You have to take them and bring them into your marriage. If you notice that your blood is starting to boil, you don’t wait until it’s, you know, you’ve blown through the roof, you stop then.
Collin Rand: What about the pick your battle scenario coz I am hearing ben over hear and I am thinking you know, I love to plan things out, I gave my wife a Google calendar and it’s like use it, I add and share counter [Laughs] she will not use it. So, I plan things that are in the calendar and just last night she’s like oh I have this thing on Sunday, and I am like we have a whole day planned on Sunday didn’t you look at the calendar? [Laughs]
K.C. Wilt: My husband was the same way to me. [Laughs]
Collin Rand: You know, and she wars you know when it’s just all this non-senses and so I am you know inside I am like you know we have had this conversation like 18 times now and but I am working and I am like you know, it’s fine go to your baby shower. And I am it’s like I am pick my battles but yet the conflicts not resolved it just got pushed back a little bit so what are your thoughts on?
Rachel Rainbolt: Right, and it sounds like you had a conversation but you didn’t really resolve it in the sense, she didn’t agree to live for life of that Google Calendar, you are probably told her this how I wanted it to happen.
Collin Rand: I think that we did agree [Laughs] and it’s true, we did. You know and yeah, and she did agree but she didn’t fall through on that agreement. You know what it means I feel violated.
K.C. Wilt: And you know, what though I discovered especially with the calendar coz we read this discussion as well. My husband pounded and pounded and pounded about it and I wasn’t ready to use to be honest. He had to walk through the steps, set it up for me and then still coz that’s the learning process. I don’t have time to sit down and learn it.
Collin Rand: And learn it, sure.
K.C. Wilt: And then he finally did it says K.C this is in what you do, you push this, this; done and then he put in there. I used Google Calendar all the time; my husband is so happy [Laughs] Yeah! And back to just mention at this week, K.C remember when you hated it and you refused to use it [Laughs] now you’re using it all the time. And I don’t know for me at least it took my husband more than just saying please do this ,please do it, it took him to actually stop, sit down with me, work his way through it and honestly it took me to be ready to use it; and I hate to say but you know…
Collin Rand: Sure, and they go ahead and hand though when he teaches you now you’re ready, you know. So, he’s washing dishes you’re, you know, Google Calendaring, that’s fantastic. [Laughs]
Rachel Rainbolt: And also, I think there… [Laughs]
Owen Hemsath: That she puts everything in the calendar! [Laughs]
Rachel Rainbolt: I think there is… [Audiences Laughs]
Owen Hemsath: Like when he washes the dishes you washed ’em last on this day, check the calendar. [Audience Laughs].
Rachel Rainbolt: When I think there are two lessons from that, one is that she may not ever want to use Google Calendar. And a lot of times I will see something that I know would make our life so much easier and I tell my husband, “if you just do this I would be so much happier, we would work so much better, our days would be so much easier.” But ultimately, it’s his choice whether or not he wants to do it and I have to accept some times that he doesn’t want to do things that I think would make our lives better and easier. So that’s a lesson that you kind of have to take in and truly be okay with. I am okay with walking around closing all the cupboard doors in the kitchen even though my husband leaves them open every time he cooks because I need to accept that’s just living life with my husband and I think that it is worth it coz I think that’s he is worth it.
Collin Rand: Sometimes I do that on purpose; just to [Laughs] get her.
Owen Hemsath: We do a try and act we are, that;
Collin Rand: My gut says, let’s see if actually [Audience Laughs] I do just to see if it really make her angry this time [Laughs] let’s see if this still working. [Audience Laughs] it’s so hard for me as a man accept that my wife doesn’t want to do the most logical and obviously intelligent thing for us.
Rachel Rainbolt: In your opinion [Laughs] Yes!
Collin Rand: Yes, that’s what I am finding that’s in our opinion though. And I found myself complaining conceding with a lot other things that she thinks will be more beneficial and the reason I do that is because we are working, you know, we are typically not in the house and we are actually looking for home right now and I have come to the point where are first home that we looked for, I was like, I was this in here I want that and this and we need to have this for the kids and blah, blah… I found myself complaining and conceding with, “honey, you’re gonna be in this house and utilizing this house, so much more than I am, whatever you want, that’s fine with me.”
Rachel Rainbolt: I think that should be the phrase all the time [Laughs] “whatever you want.” [Laughs]
Collin Rand: In your opinion. [Audience says the same]
Rachel Rainbolt: Well, that’s like that authority piece that’s we’ve talked about, like if she’s going to be home all day in the house you might concede the areas of the house that she is using a lot. Like my husband recently transitioned to working from home, so where as I used to make all the kind of interior deigns decisions, now he gets a lot more of a say.
K.C. Wilt: With that room.
Rachel Rainbolt: Right yes, [Laughs] in that part of the house that he works in all day, he gets more of a say it. Well, also the other thing you said K.C that was really important was that your husband kind of came to you and said, I see this as being really good choice for you us, what is preventing you from being on board with it. As supposed to saying you’re not doing this, this is better do it; you know do it, he kind of came to you and said, you know, what is it that is preventing you from being on board and then if your partner comes to you with an attitude of I will truly accept what you have to say when you say it, if you don’t want to do it, then your lot more willing to invest in it. I mean if your partner comes to you says that you might be willing to say, “it’s just too hard to figure out, I don’t have the time to sit down and figure it out,” and then that’s something he can work with and he can say okay, “okay how about if I call my mom and have her take the kids to the park and then I will sit down and teach you how to do it.”
K.C. Wilt: You know, something else we did, my husband always will say, “did you print out the car registration, did you take it in for the oil change, did you do the stuff?” And to be honest that’s the last thing on my mind. That’s the last thing I want to do.
Jodi Roberts: That’s your priorities.
K.C. Wilt: And you know, yeah, it’s exactly that, different priorities and I finally just spoke to him recently and said you know what, I feel as your wife taking care of when you take care of that stuff, I don’t wanna touch the registration, I don’t wanna touch this, I will do this thing,
Jodi Roberts: In fact you did something wrong.
Rachel Rainbolt: And any compensation and appreciation what do you just hate having to deal with that I can take on for you, so that you feel like everything is balanced and everything is fair. Cos the car stuff I would just rather cut off my own arm and deal with it, so you will do that for me, what can I do for you so that you’re not investing more time and giving away your more of your free-time.
K.C. Wilt: But then it took a conversation, really did take a conversation to tell my husband I don’t like to do this, do it for me [Laughs] and all of sudden he was like oh okay so, quit pestering you every time you have to get your registration;
Rachel Rainbolt: He probably took in less time in the long run and he understood [Laughs]
Jodi Roberts: Yeah, probably [Laughs], so what do you do when you disagree but you don’t wanna undermine your partner so like I am back to the oatmeal and grilled cheese I think, if you constantly have the discussion over and over again, that ok I want my kid to eat peas and carrot versus the grilled cheese, coz I want the kid to have more healthy food and the other parent keeps undermining you, how do you and gives them the grilled cheese coz they are gonna eat that rather than the peas and carrots, what do you do?
K.C. Wilt: And the kid sees it too so, and then they know who to go to.
Jodi Roberts: I am bad cop again that’s what I am trying to deal with it right now.
Rachel Rainbolt: You have to get on the same page so if you’re…… you need to have an open enough dialogue that so if your partner disagrees with you, they need to say so, so that you’re so that you are on the same page. For example, if you want there to be no candy in your house ever, you don’t ever want your child to see the candy and your partner is not okay with that, if your partner doesn’t feel like as say, it’s a safe enough environment to say I am not okay with that and I am not going to agree to that then you will be undermined because they’re gonna give ’em the candy after you have already made the rule, there is no candy in our life’s they’re gonna give them candy. So, you need to have a safe enough environment when you have that conversation that you can both be completely honest about. And then you wanna stay flexible while respecting permanent boundaries, for example, you re-visit things frequently be willing to bend on things that are not super important to you well at the same time, for example, in our family there is no hitting kids ever under any circumstances, so that would never change for me, that would never change for my husband. So, I would never come to him out of the blue one day and say, I want to start spanking our kids, coz that’s no fly zone for us, so keep that in mind. Also don’t try to have this conversation during the fight like we said, if there in the middle of giving the kids the candy, that’s not the time to have the fight. If you’re fighting about dishes, pulling out candy issue in lobbing in like a missile [Laughs] is not gonna help you just gonna tangle the issues together and you’re not gonna get anywhere. And then just take your time. If some your partner tells you something say, I’ll consider it, let me think about it, let me think about how we can move through this and let me take some time to melt it over and then like we talked being respectful, be respectful not only of their partner’s wishes and but also of why they feel that way, where they got those ideas from. A lot of times if your partner will say no I don’t like that, I think that’s a terrible parenting idea, I don’t wanna do that to our kids, but that’s the way his mother did it with him and he loved that. What you are really saying is you are a crappie mom. But that’s what he is hearing. So be mindful in your respect of the things that they are asking for you to do and to not to.
Collin Rand: And that’s a key for me is, you know, is to always respect my wife in front of my, I mean obviously always, but especially in front of the kids. You know what I mean, because we are not just teaching him to respect his mother but to respect women. When we, you know, there is aspects of our culture in the media and what not that, that have some messagic mystic attitude. And so we want to teach him that you know women are to be respected in all cases and people are to be respected. So, you must respect people in all cases and that’s part of why we kind of we hide when there’s gonna be a big fight, coz we don’t want him to re-interpret that as I can talk to mom this way, coz certainly…
Rachel Rainbolt: He can talk to you that way.
Collin Rand: And its true and that’s kind of an issue we are dealing with now coz she will, we will argue about a certain way to do things and you know he starts “well I am gonna do this” right in my face, coz he just heard mom say that. And then you know then I go buy beer and disappear for 3 days [Laughs] no I am kidding, no I am kidding. But I get anger I don’t like it.
Rachel Rainbolt: What if we with all these things you wanna keep in mind that this all about your child. So it’s not about you and your co-parent even per say it’s not about you guys at all. It’s about your child and what your child is capable of and what will help your child to be their best self. So for example, you talked about how you will say go do, okay go do mom’s task first and then do this. If you have a child that has trouble following multiple directions then they might not be capable of doing that. Or you might have a child that’s great at that and in which case that’s the perfect strategy to use. And so, with all of these things that we are talking about, kind of keep that in mind too, that each child is different and what their strengths are and what they are capable level is different, what they are sensitive too is different, so some kids might not, they are loud, they’re houses are loud and yelling actually might not even bother them that much, where as if the parent gets quiet makes, direct eye contact and says something passive aggressive they will run into their room and cry.
K.C.Wilt: hmm, thanks Rachel Rainbolt for helping us deal with these parental disagreements and how to be better parents together to our kids. If you want more information on Rachel, go to today’s show on our episodes page on our website or visit http://www.ohanawellness.com.
[Featured Segments: Ask the Experts]
K.C.Wilt: Before we wrap up today’s show, here’s is a question from one of our experts.
Jennifer: Hi, this is Jennifer from San Diego, California. I listen to your episode on sleeping. I have a question for your sleep expert. I am going crazy. My little one, he is 19 months and has been waking up at 4.30 in the morning gets ready to get up; sometimes it’s even mid night too. I’ll be in there for sometimes hour or two playing. He doesn’t usually cry but sometimes it happens twice a night. I’ll go in there to change his diaper, give him drink water, and sometimes rock him. He tries to play and engages with me in; this thing going on for couple weeks. So I am at complete loss. Any advice for be greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Joanna Clark: Hi this is Joanna Clark, of http://www.blissfulbabysleepcoaching.com in San Diego, California; and Jennifer you’re having a concern that your child is waking frequently at 4.30 a.m., which in the world of sleep science is considered “early rising” and we all know how to focal the disc as parents to be woken about 10 in the night and continue on with our day. And so we let you know what some of the pink flags are that typically cause early rising so that you can maybe go back and take a close look at your daily schedule and see ways that you can improve on this particular issue. First of all, for a 19 month old child a typical day time sleep requirement is two and quarter hours with one nap during the day. A child that is not getting that amount of sleep expectation during the day typically will have more wakings during the night so I would go back to your napping and ask yourself if your meeting some those nap requirements. Other thing that causes’ early rising is the child’s bed time is too late or like I just mentioned if the child doesn’t have enough day time sleep or if the child is been put down too drowsy, and it is not self-soothing to sleep or if they are staying too long between afternoon naps and bedtime in other words if they are staying awake more than 4-5 hours between afternoon nap and their actual bedtime that would typically cause early rising and as well as multiple awakenings in the night. So hopeful these tips and tricks will help you in taking in a quick evaluation of what is causing your child’s sleep issues and you will be able to easily get back on track by making those small adjustments. Good luck! Thanks Jennifer.
K.C.Wilt: That wrap up’s today show, we love to hear from you, if you have a questions for our experts about today’s show or the topics we discussed, call our Parent Savers hotline as 619-866-4775 or send us an email through our website http://www.ParentSavers.com or our Facebook Page and we’ll answer your question in an upcoming episode. Thanks for listening to Parents Savers, Empowering new Parents Everywhere.
This has been a New Mommy Media Production. Information and materials contained in this episode are presented for educational purposes only. Statements and opinions expressed in this episode are not necessarily those of New Mommy Media and should not be considered facts. For such information in which areas are released to be accurate, it is not intended to replace or substitute for professional, medical and advisor care and should not be used for diagnosing or treating healthcare problem or disease or prescribing any medications. If you have questions or concerns regarding your physical or mental health or the health of your baby, please seek assistance from a qualified healthcare provider.
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