The Male Maturity Calculator


Take this quiz to find out just how clueless your partner is… as if you didn’t already know

By Jeremy Greenberg

What an exciting time! You’re pregnant, and you’ll be a mommy soon. But did you know that your little bun in the oven isn’t the only thing that needs to develop? A soon-to-be ­father must also reach ­maturity before the child arrives, or he’ll be ­unable to help you with the ­demanding job of caring for the baby. And by maturity, I don’t mean his physical age. I mean mature enough not to quote Family Guy when your mom visits.

Parenting is very competitive. If you’re one of those mommies who applied for preschool the first day your period was late, then you owe it to yourself to figure out just how capable your man will be in helping you fulfill your parenting dreams. The following is the most advanced male maturity ­calculator known to ­science. This quiz will reveal how much work you’ve got to do to make sure you’re man makes it to your third trimester having ­completely shed all single friends and any dreams of ever owning a boat.

The Quiz
When you pass gas:
a. Your man hugs you and tells you it’s natural.
b. Pretends nothing happened.
c. Gets angry and says, “I thought you were a female!?”

If he notices you being a bit self-conscious about your weight, he:
a. Pulls up his shirt and says, “Look. It’s cool. I’m fat, too.”
b. Says, “I think you look beautiful!” then kisses your belly.
c. Says, “Don’t worry. If Angelina Jolie can get her figure back, so can you.”

You ask your man to attend parenting classes with you, and he:
a. Says yes, but only if he gets to learn how to change diapers.
b. Tells you that he’s already researched several in the area, and then whips out a breast pump to show you how it works.
c. Says he’s already a pro because he had a pet iguana in high school.

When you say that your back hurts, he:
a. Says that he’ll buy you one of those body pillows that’s supposed to help.
b. Offers a massage followed by a few words of comfort.
c. Says, “Hey, those big new hooters don’t come without their price.”

Your husband thinks a good career is:
a. One that allows you to work from home during maternity leave.
b. One that allows him to have a stable income while still allowing for plenty of time to spend with the family.
c. One that involves danger, excitement, or personal fulfillment beyond the ability to pay a mortgage.

When you discuss naming the baby, he:
a. Tells you he’d like to name it after a celebrity he admires, and wants to know what you think about “Tiger” if it’s a boy, or “Britney” if it’s a girl.
b. Tells you how much he loves your family, and that he’s hoping to name the child after one of your relatives.
c. Wants to wait and let the baby choose her own name
when she’s old enough. And yes, he knows there’s a good chance the child might name herself Cheerios.

When you show him the first ultrasound, he:
a. Feigns enthusiasm.
b. Cries, and asks if you’d like him to frame it for you.
c. Looks for a penis.

When you recommend that you should spend next Saturday driving around from store to store to shop for a crib, he:
a. Suggests buying a used one from eBay.
b. Agrees that will be a fun, joint-nesting experience, then puts on the sweater your mom knit him, and says, “Let’s go.”
c. Recommends lining an old computer box with bubble wrap.

Your husband asks the doctor what the chances of a premature birth are, because:
a. He knows that by sharing this very common concern, he’s supporting you.
b. He’s wants to let his employer know about the chance that he may need extra time off.
c. It’s still football season, and he’s trying to figure out if he should buy tickets to the Super Bowl.

Your husband begins to read to the baby in the womb:
a. Because you’ve rejected his attempts to place an iPod on your tummy.
b. Because he’s heard this helps a baby’s brain develop.
c. He’s hoping this will cut down on having to help with homework later on.

Now, give yourself 10 points for every “a” answer, 15 for every “b”, and 5 for every “c”.

Score 50–75
Maturity Level: If only folic acid worked on full-grown men. Sadly, your hubby might’ve been better off born as a mule. But don’t give up hope. Often when a man sees the hospital bill, he matures instantly.

Score 75–125
Maturity Level: Not bad. Just a few more crying spells and/or tantrums about why the kegerator can’t stay in the baby’s room and he’ll prime parenting material.

Score 125–150
Maturity Level: Congratulations! If your man were any more ready to have a child, his feet would be in stirrups

Jeremy Greenberg is the daily ­blogger for MSN’s The Family Room. He is also the author of Relative Discomfort: The Family Survival Guide. When he’s not writing, he’s managing his twin ­toddlers and agreeing with his overworked and underappreciated wife.

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